I Am

I am a strong believer in mind power. I believe what you think, will control your life.

for example: 

If you say "I'm dumb" your whole life, you're really going to believe you're dumb; & act on it. 

If you say "I'm a good person", you'll do things to make yourself a good person.

If you say "I'm confident." You'll be confident.

If you say "I'm happy." You'll be happy.

 

People are so hard on themselves; myself included. 

At one point, I was in a pretty awful spot in my life, (overwhelmed by my past of controlling/abusive put-you-down relationships, sicknesses with no answers, bad friends with wrong decisions, abandonment, trust issues, and so on) and I knew my thoughts were just making me sicker. I'd been through a lot, and blamed a lot of the situations I'd been through on myself. Which in result, made me very hard on myself; Unforgiving of my past, which made the future cloudy.

I needed something.
 

My mom came home one day, handed me a paper and a pen, and said "I want you to write down an 'I am' page."

a whaaa?

"An I am page. I want you to write as many things you can think of that describe you. Ex: I am confident. I am pretty. I am happy."

alright, I can do this.

I grabbed the pen, and wrote down "I am strong." 

I then stared at the paper. 

What am I?

hm..

My mind was blank. Which frustrated me. It made me feel discouraged. 

What the hell mom.. Do you want me to see that I don't have confidence?!

My mom came back over, and said. Now write what you want to be. 

All these things rushed to my head.

I wrote:

I am happy.

I am loved.

I am confident.

I am bright.

I am smart.

I am looked up to.

I am beautiful.

I am worth it.

I wrote and wrote. 

My mom walked back over and asked if she could read it.

She read, and when she was finished, looked up at me with this specific smile. Like she had known what I would write. Like she knew all along.

She handed the paper back and said "Heather, you are those things." 

no mom, that's what I wrote I wish to be. 

"You are."

She had me tape it to my mirror. okay mom, weirdo. I really thought nothing of it. 

Well, every morning, brushing my teeth, my eyes would wander and I would just end up reading it. 

I started finding myself thinking about it more often. Thinking of this paper that was a little wrinkled, and how I wish I wrote it in cuter handwriting. I found myself focusing on the lettering. How the l's were cursive, and how my dyslexia showed on a few words. 

The next few times I thought of it, I couldn't even remember the adjectives. All I could focus on was the "am".

I am.

I am.

I am.

Then it hit me. I am whoever I want to be. I am me. And "me" included everything on that page, just because I said so. 

This became my daily meditation. (I tried other types of meditation previously, and it just wasn't my thing. I couldn't get into it, and just felt funny. So I made my own type of meditation: the kind where I give myself ten minutes of alone time just to be still. To clear my mind of everything that's going on in my life, and remind myself of who i am. 

I am all that I want to be, and more.

And so are you.

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