Here, you can read others' SOS signals; some bright and flashing and some dim. This is a safe, judgement-free zone. I repeat, this is a safe, judgement-free zone. I ask that we all respect that. If you don't personally ask, I hope you can read and gather the advice you're looking for through others' stories.
I'm not happy with my life
7 June 2017
Question: Hi Heather, As the days go by, it seems like I’m stuck in an endless loop. I wake up, go through the daily routine, then go to sleep and repeat day after day. Days, months then before I know it a year goes by and I have still been stuck in this loop. I’m not happy with my life and how it is panning out. I’m tired of being a nobody and want to actually mean something to this world. I want to leave some sort of impact but running this daily routine is not helping. Overall I just want to be happy with life and be content with my mark I’m leaving.
So I guess I’m just asking for some advice on how I can go on living life the way I want, and how I can be happy with my life.
Answer: Hi Jason,
I understand, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The silver lining? You're in control. Let's make some changes, shall we?
Look at each aspect of your life and focus on one at a time. Is it your job that feels mundane? Where you live? Your friends? What you do outside of work? Pick one of these to start with and take action. If it’s your job, then it’s time to rethink your career. And when I say rethink, I mean really think outside of the box! Ignore those inner fears or judgments and just ask yourself what you enjoy doing. This post on writing a personal vision may help with that.
Many times, the problem is that we aren’t doing anything outside of our regular routine. You may need a new hobby that truly excites you (which could eventually turn into a career, potentially!) If you want to make a difference in the world, think about what you’re passionate about and start volunteering or looking up events related to that topic in your city. Even if you have the slightest interest in something, go explore it and try it out. It will open your mind, change your way of thinking, and help you discover what you’re passionate about and how to pursue it.
The biggest thing I want you to take away from this is: you matter. You've made an impact in my life by writing this. You're currently making a difference, but if you want to add to that- you're able to. Allow your mindset to expand. Positive affirmations help a lot with this, as well.
If you need anything at all- I'm here,
7 May 2017
Question: Hi Heather, I was in a 6 month relationship with a guy and fell in love. Like a deep, hard love. I have never loved anyone in such a way before. Last weekend, I woke up around 2 AM and he was still awake - the questions of me wondering why he threw his phone on the bed to hide it as soon as he realized I woke up made me question.. So, what did I do? I figured out his password the next morning in which I found many messages on FB messenger & Tinder with multiple girls. About three weekends ago, he had a girl over when I was out with my girls. That night I woke up, he was messaging a girl about hanging out with her that weekend when he knew I had plans to be with my girls - he is sitting there, constantly, 24/7 messaging me and asking for me back. That he is sorry. He does it because he is insecure. I don't know what to do. He is threatening death. Please help. xoxo
Answer: Oh, babe. I am so sorry. I am sorry that this guy was too blind to see the gift he had in you. He absolutely does not deserve you. You are bold, and rare, and good, and worthy of a love that makes you feel alive. That is not what this is. I know that it's so hard to see right now, it is so hard to see through what your heart feels. What you felt and what you feel are valid. You have every right to feel exactly how what you feel. Always. It's easy right now to think that he is everything you want. How could you not? You invested so much of yourself into him, into caring for him, into loving him.
When you lose someone, it's natural to think this threshold of love is as far as you can go. But just think, if you could love him this much, think of how much you will be able to love someone who treats you right, who knows the special heart that you will entrust him with.
One day you will look back and you will shake your head. You will say with your chin held high, "I am worth so much more." You are.
So for now, pick up your heart, your battered and confused heart, hold it in your arms, and walk away. You owe him nothing. It IS going to be okay.
Dream Of Blogging
3 August 2017
Question: I don't even know how to say this but I want to be a blogger and aspire to do just what you are doing but I don't feel I have enough confidence. I guess my question is how did you overcome it or have you always been confident?
Answer: Unfortunately, I'm just now growing into my confidence- as if it's been an adult sweater drowning a little girl, tucked away in the back of my closet- until I tried it on and finally fit into it. Being in a timely abusive relationship during my growing years stunted my confidence growth for far too long. I'm coming onto twenty-five years on this earth, and I can say the last three have been my years of growth, and it all blossomed from the moment I said out loud "I am confident". Was I lying? Absolutely. Did I brainwash myself into being confident? yes, and my hell did it work. I didn't start a blog to have my life shared, I started a blog to reduce the amount of journals I bought monthly; I needed a space to put my many, many thoughts. It has grown into a career and forced me out of many comfort zones. I still work on my confidence daily. I still struggle, but hey- we're human. What I'm getting at is, you have what it takes. You have that confidence within yourself. I believe in you. Stand up tall, laugh it off, and start writing. I'm looking forward to reading your blog.
Post Graduation loneliness
3 august 2017
Question: Post-graduation, I've lost a large quantity of friends due to things like moving for jobs, marriage, working 900 hour weeks, etc. No one ever talks about how all of a sudden, you look around and realize that you have three good friends that you can call when you need help! How do you navigate this?
Answer: Oh man, I’ve experienced this quite a bit. I have had a wild ride by anyone’s standards, let alone someone in their 20's. I’ve kept a small group of ride-or-die friends, but also have made new friends who are also entrepreneurs, marketers, and people that run in some of the business circles I do.
It’s important to keep old friends, but also to know when to move on. Sometimes you just outgrow a friendship, the same way you outgrow a relationship. Your 20's are the time in your life when you have the most extreme changes, and it’s when everyone goes from being on the same path—college, or just binge-drinking full-time, or both—to moving in such a variety of directions.
I’ve found it helpful to take trips with friends, even if it’s just for a short weekend. It’s hard to catch up over a meal every few weeks, and it can end up feeling like just another obligation on your calendar. Taking a trip gives you time and space to have fun, reconnect, and relax back into your friendship. Trips like this often “up” a friendship that’s newer as well.
If you can’t do that, find some solid time to grab lunch, visit a museum, go on a group date, watch Netflix together, or just lay in the sun. When you’re busy, putting it on your calendar makes it real. That can make things feel impersonal—but what’s more impersonal is only showing up for birthday parties.
3 January 2017
Question: Hi Heather,
I’m 22 years old and lately, I’ve been feeling kind of down and have been losing self-confidence. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t like what I’m looking at. I feel like I have no purpose in life whatsoever. I’m shy and scared to speak in front of crowds. How can I build self-confidence and boost/build up my self-esteem?
Thanks so much,
First of all, I want you to know that this is the time in your life when feeling insecure and unsure about yourself/life, in general, is totally normal. In fact, I think it’s a good thing because those feelings are what trigger you to start discovering who you are and what’s important to you. And that’s what your twenties are all about. Try your best not to get discouraged about feeling the way you’re feeling.
I know it may seem like everyone around you has their shit together or is super confident, but I PROMISE you, they aren’t! Especially at your age, everyone around you is trying to figure it out just like you are.
Now, as for what to do to build self-confidence, here’s what I recommend:
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO LIFT YOU UP.
It’s important to start recognizing who around you is bringing positivity into your life and who is just bringing you down. Don’t waste your time with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Be honest with yourself about who makes you feel proud to be you and who makes you feel shitty. Then, surround yourself with only those who lift you up.
COMPLIMENT YOURSELF OFTEN.
It’s so easy to focus on the things we don’t like ourselves, but taking the time to recognize what you love about yourself is so much more important. Just because there are some parts of yourself that you’re not happy with, that doesn’t make those amazing parts any less special. Whether you want to sit down, light a candle, grab pen & paper, or just say these things to yourself in your head, take the time to truly compliment yourself. Tell yourself what you like about yourself — no one needs to hear it but you so be honest and don’t worry about being humble!
DON’T LOOK OUTWARDS FOR APPROVAL, LOOK INWARDS.
It’s common for us to look to our surroundings for approval and let these external things determine our self-worth and, therefore, our confidence. Whether it’s what others think of you, how you’re doing in your career, how you look in the mirror — these are all external things. No matter how “good” they are, will never be able to give you self-confidence. Loving yourself and having that inner confidence can only come from within. So focus on yourself, what you believe to be true about yourself, what you know about your capabilities, and don’t wait for others to give you the thumbs-up.
DO WHAT MAKES YOU TRULY HAPPY.
Ask yourself what truly makes you happy. It can be anything, big or small. From listening to certain music to being outside to painting to talking with your sister — whatever it is, write it all down. Are you spending your time doing these things you love? Make these things a priority. Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy and that will help give you the strength to build your confidence.
I hope this helps babe!
All the best,
7 June 2016
Question: Hello Heather!
I've been reading your blog for quite some time and have come to the conclusion that you speak to my soul completely. You have a way of painting with words that is utterly delightful! Even though I do not actually know you, I feel like I'm talking to an old friend when I read your writing. So I'm hoping you can help me out!
I am kind of cruddy at the whole relationship thing. I have a history of settling for poor treatment from the men I've dated. Relationships and almost-relationships, I am not very good at picking them. Maybe it's because I don't think it can be better for me, or because I always work so hard to see that good in others and that I make big problems in to small ones just to make it all seem good.
As I move into the real world of big adult things, I can't help but think about when I am going to find "the one." I want to know that good relationships exist and that it is possible to be completely head over heels in love, the way my little hopeless romantic heart wants it to be. So how do you stay patient? How can I stop giving the wrong people the most chances?
PS Not to be weird but I hope the universe works it out so we can be friends someday. You seem like a lovely gal and an excellent type of friend!
Answer: Wow. Let me start by saying SAME. I have battled with such similar things in my past. I'm optimistic to a fault. Meaning, I find the last tiny spec of good in people even if I have to hold up a microscope to see it. This has brought a lot of really good, unexpected people people into my life, but it has also been a big downfall for me. As odd a it may sound, seeing good in people can be dangerous. It can blind you entirely to the bad things, to the things that you should be protecting yourself from.
I am such a hopeless romantic to the point where I'd truly believe the person who would get angry enough to hurt me was my person. I saw the potential, the good little sparkles in his soul and considered him family to the point where I couldn't see the bad. I am very guilty of seeing the good in anyone but myself.
This is what I want you to do: I want you to see the good sparkles in yourself. There are so many. So, so many. You deserve more than what you're receiving, and being patient and focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. I promise. Being patient leads to personal growth and experience, rather than more "lessons learned" in the same catagory.
P.S. I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. LET’S DO THIS THING.
Not over my ex
19 February 2016
Question: Hi Heather,
My ex and I were together for almost a year, our entire sophomore year of high school, plus a few more months. We’ve been broken up since the beginning of this school year, and aren’t really on good terms. I’ve gotten rid of the majority of our digital pictures, but I can’t seem to let go of our tangible memories I’ve collected. I have a lot of things from our relationship in a shoe box under my bed. How long is too long? When is it time to move on?
Answer: Hi Melissa,
There is no formula for how long it takes to move on from a relationship. Every relationship differs, just as every individual differs. What’s important is that you do what feels right to you. If your gut is telling you that you don’t feel ready to get rid of those things, then you don’t have to!
I also think it’s important to note that saving those things does not have to mean that you’re not over him. You can want to save those memories and move on at the same time. It doesn’t need to be an either/or. This person was important to you in your life, so I can understand why you don’t just want to erase those memories. Keeping those items doesn’t have to mean that you’re still hanging on to that relationship. You do what feels right to you and don’t worry about how others might judge you. Most importantly, don’t judge yourself! Listen to your gut and give yourself the space to feel nostalgic about the relationship and emotionally past it at the same time.
I'm here if you need me!
No Ring on this finger
8 january 2018
Question: Hi Heather. Need some advice. I'm 24 and everyone around me is getting engaged or moving in with their boyfriends. I feel like I'm a little behind since I've never had a boyfriend. It really gets me down, don't get me wrong I'm sooo happy for all my friends that are getting married and moving in with their boyfriends. But like I said it makes me feel a little down. Any advice on how to get over the feeling of being behind everyone else. Thanks!
Answer: Hi babe,
Okay, I totally understand this. I live in a town where everyone is getting married right out of high school. Now, I know our situations are different, but hear me out. I've always been in very long relationships
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